It has been so long since I have blogged. And I should have been, but there wasnt much time. And when there was time, I spent it with Stevan and the kids.
After a long 3 1/2 year fight with Multiple Myeloma, Stevan lost the battle at OU Medical Center on Jan 26 at 4:35, when he drew his last breath.
I lost my high school sweetheart from 25 years ago, my best friend, my lover, my playmate, my hunting and fishing buddy, my companion, my smile, and the love of my life.
He went to heaven listening to Christian radio, peaceful slow breaths, until there was no more.his brother Bill, and I was in the room with him and held his hand as he took his last breath. His daughter, Brett came in; his mother, Shirley came in; his sister, Cherl; my mom and stepdad. It wasn't long before our pastor, Mike Mings and his wife Judy arrived. He was surrounded by all that loved him and he loved. His son, Dustin, had chosen not to stay at the hospital, saying it was too hard for him to watch his Dad be that way and he couldn't do anything to make him better.
I now begin a new chapter in my life. When Stevan married me he told me,"you are a strong independent woman. You don't need me, but you want me." He was right. After being married for 7 years, 6 months and 5 days... I now have to adjust my life. I have to learn to live by myself again. He spoiled me, I could depended upon him, now I have to depended oh my Heavenly Father to get me through this and lead me, along with true friends, family and my church family.
It's sad but true, death does bring out the worst in people. They become like vultures, seeing what they can get out of you, or from you. No sense of timing to let you grieve and evaluate what has happened. Paying the regular bills by myself are overwhelming as it is, not to mention the medical bills coming in, the funeral expenses. And so many rumors... And untrue stories... And of course those who are spreading them never come and ask me it they are true:
* I was told that Stevan was in a medical study, so all of his medical bills were paid for.... False on both accounts. He wasn't in a study and even if he was, he would still have had medical expenses.
* I was told that all of his funeral expenses were paid for by the American Cancer Society... false. It would be nice if they did, But they don't. Matter of fact, the only thing we ever got from them was a $50 gas card, twice, two different years, to help pay for traveling to OKC, while he was having radiation (that amount paid for one way trip to OKC). They also had paid for several hotel stays during those time of radiation treatment back in the summer of 2011 and Jan of 2013.
This weekend will be the beginning of this new chapter in my life. Stevan will have been gone two months yesterday and eight weeks on Monday. Each day gets better, but still I have tears that flow each day. My goal is to make sure he has a voice in the Myeloma world, and I ensure he is not forgotten by his kids, his friends, his family and his community. How I am to do that? Not sure, but I hope to find out how this weekend.
I will also be trying to back post some of his medical issues that occurred, that I could never get around to post so others can see the progression of his cancer. As one of my coworkers said, I am such a optimistic person, I denied seeing the signs and refused to hear the doctors tell us he was getting bad. It didn't hit me til he was gone.
I had instead put my trust in God and was letting him lead us and guide us through this journey. I will continue to have him lead me on the journey ahead of me. Thank you for the continued prayers for me and our family.
