I Am A Widow

There... I've said it. It's taken me a year to say it publicly and it still doesn't feel right but it is what it is. I never thought that I would have this label at 43. We were supposed to grow old together for many more years.

This year has not been easy. I didn't go back to work till mid March... honestly I didn't want to go back then. I stayed busy this past summer with a new job teaching College Algebra for Eastern College at the Idabel campus, which I am now in my 3rd semester with them. I even picked up a class for Southeastern for the fall and spring also, teaching math to elementary majors. I'm finishing up graduate school to become an educational administrator and will graduate in May. I went on a couple of trips to get away, renew myself and begin to learn to live again. But honestly the first six months were a blur. These last six months I've been able to bring life back into focus but sometimes I still feel numb.

I have so many wonderful friends that have helped me over the past year, calling, texting or inviting to come visit. I know many were praying for me yesterday, that I would have peace. And I did, until my dear neighbor, Bendette, who had known Stevan for many years before we married, sent me a message and a picture of Stevan smiling. And yes, I lost it right in the middle of Starbucks. The one thing I felt like I needed yesterday was to be held/hugged. I got that last night from Bendette's husband. He promised me a year ago when I needed one, he would be there. And he was... so thank you Don.

Before Stevan passed, I learned that I was having panic attacks. Was put on some medicine to help control that but at the beginning of this school year I realized that I was not just having panic attacks but also having problems with hormones, thyroid (both of which I've had problems with over several years), and depression, and diagnosed with minor PTSD, which was all making my panic attacks worse. I am trying to take it day by day and lean on God for strength, but sometimes simple reasoning does not equate when a panic attack occurs, but I'm learning.

Recently I had a student ask me if I lived alone. I told her yes. Then she started to ask me something else and then told me never mind. So I walked over to her and asked her what? She said that she didn't know if she should ask me. I told her to go ahead. So she asked me if I missed him? I told her, "Of course I miss him! And the nights are the worst." Going home to an empty house, no one to talk to, going to bed alone.... that's the hardest. Stevan and I used to talk about our day when we went to bed. He would hold me and I knew I was safe.

In Genesis 2:24 the Bible says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh." When one looses their spouse, this explains why we feel like we are incomplete and have lost our other half, because we have. The only other person who can feel this way would be a mother. I've read many things over the past year and the one thing that keeps resonating with me is, when we loose someone, we will never be the same. We heal, we move on, learn to live without them, and we become whole again but we will never be the same. And we shouldn't want to be the same because we are not.

It has now been a year since Stevan's passing. Over the past five years I have held onto Philippians 4: 13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me", to get me through all of Stevan's treatments, hospitalizations, chemo injections, infusions, radiation and late nights with no sleep. And this year I have felt like I was holding my breath to see I could make it a year without Stevan. And I did. Its been rough; so-called-friends tried to take advantage of me, when I had problems with animals, tires on trailers, buying a new car all by myself, electric fence, gate and truck problems. There are still nights that I cry myself to sleep when I begin to think about how things would be different if Stevan was here. But he's not and I've made it with God's help and many friends.

I still continue to praise God for the time I had with Stevan though. I've been asked, "Would you change anything?" No! I'm privileged that I had the time I did to share with Stevan and be the person he loved till the day he died. Those who know us know that he was not baptized when we married and even though he was a good man, he had not given his heart to Christ. But when he was diagnosed I saw a change begin to happen within. He first became angry, then fearful and humbled. Six months later he asked our pastor, Mike Mings, to come talk to him about what he had to do to become right with God. Many prayers that day were answered. The next day Stevan asked God into his heart and about a month later was baptized. One of the happiest days of my life with him, the first being the day I married him.

I had said from the day that he was diagnosed with Myeloma that there was a reason for God putting us through this, and to this day I believe it was to win his heart. The longer he went through treatment, the stronger he become in trusting Christ and becoming the man that I had longed to be married to. Even in his weakest state, the last few months of his life, Stevan was an inspiration to other. Not just who we saw out in the street but also in our church. He went from a man who only went because I went to church, to a man who was waking up on Sunday telling me to get ready, that he needed to goto church. I know that he drew his strength from listening to Chad Dansby and the class in Sunday school and the teachings from the pulpit by Brother Mike Mings. He loved both of these men and their love for Christ.

Today I being the next year of my life. I'm not sure what it may bring, but I know that God has me and I pray "Teach me thy way, O Lord: I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear they name. I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore." Psalm 86:11-12. I know Stevan is at peace, no pain, no sorrow. It is us here on earth that suffer but I know one day I will see him again with my Savior. Until then I fight the good fight and walk the straight and narrow. And praise God for what he has given and taken away. For one day I will have more than I could ever want. It just takes patience and perseverance.

So Much to Say... but So Little Words.

It has been so long since I have blogged. And I should have been, but there wasnt much time. And when there was time, I spent it with Stevan and the kids.

After a long 3 1/2 year fight with Multiple Myeloma, Stevan lost the battle at OU Medical Center on Jan 26 at 4:35, when he drew his last breath.

I lost my high school sweetheart from 25 years ago, my best friend, my lover, my playmate, my hunting and fishing buddy, my companion, my smile, and the love of my life.

He went to heaven listening to Christian radio, peaceful slow breaths, until there was no more.his brother Bill, and I was in the room with him and held his hand as he took his last breath. His daughter, Brett came in; his mother, Shirley came in; his sister, Cherl; my mom and stepdad. It wasn't long before our pastor, Mike Mings and his wife Judy arrived. He was surrounded by all that loved him and he loved. His son, Dustin, had chosen not to stay at the hospital, saying it was too hard for him to watch his Dad be that way and he couldn't do anything to make him better.

I now begin a new chapter in my life. When Stevan married me he told me,"you are a strong independent woman. You don't need me, but you want me." He was right. After being married for 7 years, 6 months and 5 days... I now have to adjust my life. I have to learn to live by myself again. He spoiled me, I could depended upon him, now I have to depended oh my Heavenly Father to get me through this and lead me, along with true friends, family and my church family. 

It's sad but true, death does bring out the worst in people. They become like vultures, seeing what they can get out of you, or from you. No sense of timing to let you grieve and evaluate what has happened. Paying the regular bills by myself are overwhelming as it is, not to mention the medical bills coming in, the funeral expenses. And so many rumors... And untrue stories... And of course those who are spreading them never come and ask me it they are true:

* I was told that Stevan was in a medical study, so all of his medical bills were paid for.... False on both accounts. He wasn't in a study and even if he was, he would still have had medical expenses.

* I was told that all of his funeral expenses were paid for by the American Cancer Society... false. It would be nice if they did, But they don't. Matter of fact, the only thing we ever got from them was a $50 gas card, twice, two different years, to help pay for traveling to OKC, while he was having radiation (that amount paid for one way trip to OKC). They also had paid for several hotel stays during those time of radiation treatment back in the summer of 2011 and Jan of 2013.

This weekend will be the beginning of this new chapter in my life. Stevan will have been gone two months yesterday and eight weeks on Monday. Each day gets better, but still I have tears that flow each day. My goal is to make sure he has a voice in the Myeloma world, and I ensure he is not forgotten by his kids, his friends, his family and his community. How I am to do that? Not sure, but I hope to find out how this weekend.

I will also be trying to back post some of his medical issues that occurred, that I could never get around to post so others can see the progression of his cancer. As one of my coworkers said, I am such a optimistic person, I denied seeing the signs and refused to hear the doctors tell us he was getting bad. It didn't hit me til he was gone.

I had instead put my trust in God and was letting him lead us and guide us through this journey. I will continue to have him lead me on the journey ahead of me. Thank you for the continued prayers for me and our family.