Not So Happy 8th Anniversary

8 years ago today, a dream came true

Today would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. It seems like it should be more than that since I've known Stevan for more than 25 years. This week will be a tough one considering that not only do I have my first anniversary without him, but Sunday also marks the 6th month without him here with me. A week of reminders, memories and heartbreak.

I told myself that at the 6 months mark I would have my house put back together and organized, where I could actually feel comfortable having people over again, since I'm such a social person.  The couple of weeks after his death, my mother stayed with me a couple of times and helped me put all of Stevan's clothes that were in the dresser into his closet. We decided this would be a good place to keep them, kind of out of site, out of mind, until I have the courage to sort through them and decide what I'm going to do with them.

Honestly, I haven't begun to decluttering the house and sort through things until two weeks ago. I cleaned out my kitchen, the cabinets, the refrigerator, the counter. I went through all of the bills and papers that had been stacked up since before Thanksgiving. I threw out old food. Bagged up all of his medicines, and old over the counter meds that needed to be discarded. I took out all of the foods that he ate and I don't (sardine, viennes, pork and beans) and will gave them away.

Last week I began on the bathrooms. I totally cleaned the guest bathroom and bagged up a few things that the kids had left, so that I can take it to Stevan's mom for her to give them. Their mother does not let me see or talk to them, which is sad and heart breaking I know for me and for them. I was apart of their life for almost 10 years and to suddenly to have them ripped away.  It hurts my heart but I have to move on. I pray for them and their safety and that one day God will put them back into my life. Its hard to stop being a parent to children you love.

This week I will clean out my bedroom and organize my closet. I think I have clothes from 20 years ago still in my closet that I can't wear or won't wear, just taking up space. I know I have shoes that I haven't worn in the 8 years that Stevan and I were married. Moving from Dallas to the farm, I didn't have much use for pretty high heel shoes or smart little strappy heels. I resorted to boots, loafers, tennis shoes or rare occasion sandals and some platform heals that are easy to walk in. All others have to go!

Next week will be the Living room. I'm going to need lots of prayers there. This is where we spent most of our time in the last year. Stevan had quit eating at the table, because it was uncomfortable for his back. There is lots of my school stuff and just plain junk that I need to go through and either purge or put up somewhere, which means I need to go through and clean out drawers and cabinets so I will have a place to put things.

I know that I'm still going through the grieving process, but each day it hurts a little less. The episodes of uncontrolled crying from nothing comes further apart from the last time. I'm finding more joy in other things that I did not once know. I'm beginning to smile for no reason again. My close friends say that I don't look as stressed as I did six months ago. I know through Gods help, friends and family that continue to pray over me is what makes the world a bit more bearable now than it did.
God is still in control.... I'm just don't have my partner and best friend anymore with me on my journey.

Prayers For a Friend

Pattie and Pat Killingsworth

http://multiplemyelomablog.com/2015/07/did-all-of-this-really-happen-in-one-day.html

This is a link to a friend, Pat, who is also battling Multiple Myeloma. Stevan and I discovered his blog when Stevan was in the hospital being diagnosed. Pat was going through his first stem cell transplant. That was four years ago.

Over the years, I have been able to talk to pat via phone and email, to get suggestions on what to ask Stevan's doctors on how to proceed with his care. Pat has written four books on Myeloma, which I had purchased and loaned out to another friend, Barbara C., who we became acquainted with who lives in our home town who was diagnosed with Myeloma and was going to Stevan's doctor and underwent a stem cell transplant also. She ended up opting for a tandem transplant (a second one soon after the first) and developed an infection in her blood which ended her life.

When Stevan had his transplant, he had a pretty easy go of it. But he was young, relative healthy and other than developing an infection from his metal in his arm and having to take Vancomycin for several weeks. So these transplants are dangerous and can come with a cost.

I got to meet Pat and his wife Pattie, in March, face to face, at their Multiple Myeloma Beach Party. Pat had been a life line for me and Stevan, giving us so much information and blogging about his experiences and what he has learned over the years since he was diagnosed in 2007. I felt like I was long lost friends who finally got to meet them. It was the last night of the Party that Pat gave us the news that his doctors said that there wasn't much else to do for his Myeloma and that there was a chance that he might not be there next year for the third annual Beach Party. I felt like I had been punched....  It was like hearing I was loosing Stevan all over again.

Last week Pat underwent his second transplant and has not only developed one infection, but apparently several. He is a fighter. I ask that my prayer warrior pray for him and his wife as they go through this trial. He has given his life to help other Myeloma patients and caregiver understand this cancer and this community still needs him to continue his work.

Thank you

Emotional

This has been a very hard week for me. Its been an emotional roller coaster. Its like my mind knows next week is Stevan's and mine 8th wedding anniversary and then 6th month since he's been gone and I feel like everything is falling apart all over again.

Last week the air conditioner quit. Had the guy come out and cleaned the coils out for me... fixed. Ive been up since 3am because I woke up hot... yep it quit again and I can't get the fan to run. So I'll be making another call in about 4 hours to have him come back out.

Before that its been the lawnmower, that won't run, for either the belt won't stay on or something else doesn't work on it.

I hate this feeling of not only being alone but feeling useless. I hate this feeling that I'm drowning and I can't get out. I hate these feelings of feeling lost and helpless. I feel like I've been so strong for so long I'm about to break.

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On: Rascal Flatts