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| 8 years ago today, a dream came true |
I told myself that at the 6 months mark I would have my house put back together and organized, where I could actually feel comfortable having people over again, since I'm such a social person. The couple of weeks after his death, my mother stayed with me a couple of times and helped me put all of Stevan's clothes that were in the dresser into his closet. We decided this would be a good place to keep them, kind of out of site, out of mind, until I have the courage to sort through them and decide what I'm going to do with them.
Honestly, I haven't begun to decluttering the house and sort through things until two weeks ago. I cleaned out my kitchen, the cabinets, the refrigerator, the counter. I went through all of the bills and papers that had been stacked up since before Thanksgiving. I threw out old food. Bagged up all of his medicines, and old over the counter meds that needed to be discarded. I took out all of the foods that he ate and I don't (sardine, viennes, pork and beans) and will gave them away.
Last week I began on the bathrooms. I totally cleaned the guest bathroom and bagged up a few things that the kids had left, so that I can take it to Stevan's mom for her to give them. Their mother does not let me see or talk to them, which is sad and heart breaking I know for me and for them. I was apart of their life for almost 10 years and to suddenly to have them ripped away. It hurts my heart but I have to move on. I pray for them and their safety and that one day God will put them back into my life. Its hard to stop being a parent to children you love.
This week I will clean out my bedroom and organize my closet. I think I have clothes from 20 years ago still in my closet that I can't wear or won't wear, just taking up space. I know I have shoes that I haven't worn in the 8 years that Stevan and I were married. Moving from Dallas to the farm, I didn't have much use for pretty high heel shoes or smart little strappy heels. I resorted to boots, loafers, tennis shoes or rare occasion sandals and some platform heals that are easy to walk in. All others have to go!
Next week will be the Living room. I'm going to need lots of prayers there. This is where we spent most of our time in the last year. Stevan had quit eating at the table, because it was uncomfortable for his back. There is lots of my school stuff and just plain junk that I need to go through and either purge or put up somewhere, which means I need to go through and clean out drawers and cabinets so I will have a place to put things.
I know that I'm still going through the grieving process, but each day it hurts a little less. The episodes of uncontrolled crying from nothing comes further apart from the last time. I'm finding more joy in other things that I did not once know. I'm beginning to smile for no reason again. My close friends say that I don't look as stressed as I did six months ago. I know through Gods help, friends and family that continue to pray over me is what makes the world a bit more bearable now than it did.
God is still in control.... I'm just don't have my partner and best friend anymore with me on my journey.
Michelle, I am sorry to hear about your loss. My wife was first diagnosed with MM at the age of 47. It has been over 4 1/2 years now. She has to go on another drug because the current one that she was on is no longer useful. Take care, my prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jeff. I'm sorry to hear that and wish you and your wife the best and many prayers your way. I hate this cancer with a passion. There is no rhyme or reason for it or the way it behaves.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, thank you for replying to my comment. That's weird. My wife was diagnosed the same month and year as your husband. He was very young to be diagnosed with MM. We are fortunate to have a very good center here in St. Louis that treats MM. The Siteman/Washington University Center is in the top 5 hospitals for MM research. My wife just started on new drugs as the old drugs were no longer effective. These chemo therapy drugs are effective for about 6-8 months, and then you need to try something else. It is bad enough to go through this with a loved one, and then on top of that, you have to deal with all of the unpaid bills, collection agencies, etc. It can get really depressing. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and I thank you for your prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt died this past January of the same disease. It is cruel and unforgiving. I wish you all the best and I am deeply saddened by your loss. Our family understands.
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