I Am A Widow

There... I've said it. It's taken me a year to say it publicly and it still doesn't feel right but it is what it is. I never thought that I would have this label at 43. We were supposed to grow old together for many more years.

This year has not been easy. I didn't go back to work till mid March... honestly I didn't want to go back then. I stayed busy this past summer with a new job teaching College Algebra for Eastern College at the Idabel campus, which I am now in my 3rd semester with them. I even picked up a class for Southeastern for the fall and spring also, teaching math to elementary majors. I'm finishing up graduate school to become an educational administrator and will graduate in May. I went on a couple of trips to get away, renew myself and begin to learn to live again. But honestly the first six months were a blur. These last six months I've been able to bring life back into focus but sometimes I still feel numb.

I have so many wonderful friends that have helped me over the past year, calling, texting or inviting to come visit. I know many were praying for me yesterday, that I would have peace. And I did, until my dear neighbor, Bendette, who had known Stevan for many years before we married, sent me a message and a picture of Stevan smiling. And yes, I lost it right in the middle of Starbucks. The one thing I felt like I needed yesterday was to be held/hugged. I got that last night from Bendette's husband. He promised me a year ago when I needed one, he would be there. And he was... so thank you Don.

Before Stevan passed, I learned that I was having panic attacks. Was put on some medicine to help control that but at the beginning of this school year I realized that I was not just having panic attacks but also having problems with hormones, thyroid (both of which I've had problems with over several years), and depression, and diagnosed with minor PTSD, which was all making my panic attacks worse. I am trying to take it day by day and lean on God for strength, but sometimes simple reasoning does not equate when a panic attack occurs, but I'm learning.

Recently I had a student ask me if I lived alone. I told her yes. Then she started to ask me something else and then told me never mind. So I walked over to her and asked her what? She said that she didn't know if she should ask me. I told her to go ahead. So she asked me if I missed him? I told her, "Of course I miss him! And the nights are the worst." Going home to an empty house, no one to talk to, going to bed alone.... that's the hardest. Stevan and I used to talk about our day when we went to bed. He would hold me and I knew I was safe.

In Genesis 2:24 the Bible says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh." When one looses their spouse, this explains why we feel like we are incomplete and have lost our other half, because we have. The only other person who can feel this way would be a mother. I've read many things over the past year and the one thing that keeps resonating with me is, when we loose someone, we will never be the same. We heal, we move on, learn to live without them, and we become whole again but we will never be the same. And we shouldn't want to be the same because we are not.

It has now been a year since Stevan's passing. Over the past five years I have held onto Philippians 4: 13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me", to get me through all of Stevan's treatments, hospitalizations, chemo injections, infusions, radiation and late nights with no sleep. And this year I have felt like I was holding my breath to see I could make it a year without Stevan. And I did. Its been rough; so-called-friends tried to take advantage of me, when I had problems with animals, tires on trailers, buying a new car all by myself, electric fence, gate and truck problems. There are still nights that I cry myself to sleep when I begin to think about how things would be different if Stevan was here. But he's not and I've made it with God's help and many friends.

I still continue to praise God for the time I had with Stevan though. I've been asked, "Would you change anything?" No! I'm privileged that I had the time I did to share with Stevan and be the person he loved till the day he died. Those who know us know that he was not baptized when we married and even though he was a good man, he had not given his heart to Christ. But when he was diagnosed I saw a change begin to happen within. He first became angry, then fearful and humbled. Six months later he asked our pastor, Mike Mings, to come talk to him about what he had to do to become right with God. Many prayers that day were answered. The next day Stevan asked God into his heart and about a month later was baptized. One of the happiest days of my life with him, the first being the day I married him.

I had said from the day that he was diagnosed with Myeloma that there was a reason for God putting us through this, and to this day I believe it was to win his heart. The longer he went through treatment, the stronger he become in trusting Christ and becoming the man that I had longed to be married to. Even in his weakest state, the last few months of his life, Stevan was an inspiration to other. Not just who we saw out in the street but also in our church. He went from a man who only went because I went to church, to a man who was waking up on Sunday telling me to get ready, that he needed to goto church. I know that he drew his strength from listening to Chad Dansby and the class in Sunday school and the teachings from the pulpit by Brother Mike Mings. He loved both of these men and their love for Christ.

Today I being the next year of my life. I'm not sure what it may bring, but I know that God has me and I pray "Teach me thy way, O Lord: I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear they name. I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore." Psalm 86:11-12. I know Stevan is at peace, no pain, no sorrow. It is us here on earth that suffer but I know one day I will see him again with my Savior. Until then I fight the good fight and walk the straight and narrow. And praise God for what he has given and taken away. For one day I will have more than I could ever want. It just takes patience and perseverance.

Not So Happy 8th Anniversary

8 years ago today, a dream came true

Today would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. It seems like it should be more than that since I've known Stevan for more than 25 years. This week will be a tough one considering that not only do I have my first anniversary without him, but Sunday also marks the 6th month without him here with me. A week of reminders, memories and heartbreak.

I told myself that at the 6 months mark I would have my house put back together and organized, where I could actually feel comfortable having people over again, since I'm such a social person.  The couple of weeks after his death, my mother stayed with me a couple of times and helped me put all of Stevan's clothes that were in the dresser into his closet. We decided this would be a good place to keep them, kind of out of site, out of mind, until I have the courage to sort through them and decide what I'm going to do with them.

Honestly, I haven't begun to decluttering the house and sort through things until two weeks ago. I cleaned out my kitchen, the cabinets, the refrigerator, the counter. I went through all of the bills and papers that had been stacked up since before Thanksgiving. I threw out old food. Bagged up all of his medicines, and old over the counter meds that needed to be discarded. I took out all of the foods that he ate and I don't (sardine, viennes, pork and beans) and will gave them away.

Last week I began on the bathrooms. I totally cleaned the guest bathroom and bagged up a few things that the kids had left, so that I can take it to Stevan's mom for her to give them. Their mother does not let me see or talk to them, which is sad and heart breaking I know for me and for them. I was apart of their life for almost 10 years and to suddenly to have them ripped away.  It hurts my heart but I have to move on. I pray for them and their safety and that one day God will put them back into my life. Its hard to stop being a parent to children you love.

This week I will clean out my bedroom and organize my closet. I think I have clothes from 20 years ago still in my closet that I can't wear or won't wear, just taking up space. I know I have shoes that I haven't worn in the 8 years that Stevan and I were married. Moving from Dallas to the farm, I didn't have much use for pretty high heel shoes or smart little strappy heels. I resorted to boots, loafers, tennis shoes or rare occasion sandals and some platform heals that are easy to walk in. All others have to go!

Next week will be the Living room. I'm going to need lots of prayers there. This is where we spent most of our time in the last year. Stevan had quit eating at the table, because it was uncomfortable for his back. There is lots of my school stuff and just plain junk that I need to go through and either purge or put up somewhere, which means I need to go through and clean out drawers and cabinets so I will have a place to put things.

I know that I'm still going through the grieving process, but each day it hurts a little less. The episodes of uncontrolled crying from nothing comes further apart from the last time. I'm finding more joy in other things that I did not once know. I'm beginning to smile for no reason again. My close friends say that I don't look as stressed as I did six months ago. I know through Gods help, friends and family that continue to pray over me is what makes the world a bit more bearable now than it did.
God is still in control.... I'm just don't have my partner and best friend anymore with me on my journey.

Prayers For a Friend

Pattie and Pat Killingsworth

http://multiplemyelomablog.com/2015/07/did-all-of-this-really-happen-in-one-day.html

This is a link to a friend, Pat, who is also battling Multiple Myeloma. Stevan and I discovered his blog when Stevan was in the hospital being diagnosed. Pat was going through his first stem cell transplant. That was four years ago.

Over the years, I have been able to talk to pat via phone and email, to get suggestions on what to ask Stevan's doctors on how to proceed with his care. Pat has written four books on Myeloma, which I had purchased and loaned out to another friend, Barbara C., who we became acquainted with who lives in our home town who was diagnosed with Myeloma and was going to Stevan's doctor and underwent a stem cell transplant also. She ended up opting for a tandem transplant (a second one soon after the first) and developed an infection in her blood which ended her life.

When Stevan had his transplant, he had a pretty easy go of it. But he was young, relative healthy and other than developing an infection from his metal in his arm and having to take Vancomycin for several weeks. So these transplants are dangerous and can come with a cost.

I got to meet Pat and his wife Pattie, in March, face to face, at their Multiple Myeloma Beach Party. Pat had been a life line for me and Stevan, giving us so much information and blogging about his experiences and what he has learned over the years since he was diagnosed in 2007. I felt like I was long lost friends who finally got to meet them. It was the last night of the Party that Pat gave us the news that his doctors said that there wasn't much else to do for his Myeloma and that there was a chance that he might not be there next year for the third annual Beach Party. I felt like I had been punched....  It was like hearing I was loosing Stevan all over again.

Last week Pat underwent his second transplant and has not only developed one infection, but apparently several. He is a fighter. I ask that my prayer warrior pray for him and his wife as they go through this trial. He has given his life to help other Myeloma patients and caregiver understand this cancer and this community still needs him to continue his work.

Thank you

Emotional

This has been a very hard week for me. Its been an emotional roller coaster. Its like my mind knows next week is Stevan's and mine 8th wedding anniversary and then 6th month since he's been gone and I feel like everything is falling apart all over again.

Last week the air conditioner quit. Had the guy come out and cleaned the coils out for me... fixed. Ive been up since 3am because I woke up hot... yep it quit again and I can't get the fan to run. So I'll be making another call in about 4 hours to have him come back out.

Before that its been the lawnmower, that won't run, for either the belt won't stay on or something else doesn't work on it.

I hate this feeling of not only being alone but feeling useless. I hate this feeling that I'm drowning and I can't get out. I hate these feelings of feeling lost and helpless. I feel like I've been so strong for so long I'm about to break.

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On: Rascal Flatts

So Much to Say... but So Little Words.

It has been so long since I have blogged. And I should have been, but there wasnt much time. And when there was time, I spent it with Stevan and the kids.

After a long 3 1/2 year fight with Multiple Myeloma, Stevan lost the battle at OU Medical Center on Jan 26 at 4:35, when he drew his last breath.

I lost my high school sweetheart from 25 years ago, my best friend, my lover, my playmate, my hunting and fishing buddy, my companion, my smile, and the love of my life.

He went to heaven listening to Christian radio, peaceful slow breaths, until there was no more.his brother Bill, and I was in the room with him and held his hand as he took his last breath. His daughter, Brett came in; his mother, Shirley came in; his sister, Cherl; my mom and stepdad. It wasn't long before our pastor, Mike Mings and his wife Judy arrived. He was surrounded by all that loved him and he loved. His son, Dustin, had chosen not to stay at the hospital, saying it was too hard for him to watch his Dad be that way and he couldn't do anything to make him better.

I now begin a new chapter in my life. When Stevan married me he told me,"you are a strong independent woman. You don't need me, but you want me." He was right. After being married for 7 years, 6 months and 5 days... I now have to adjust my life. I have to learn to live by myself again. He spoiled me, I could depended upon him, now I have to depended oh my Heavenly Father to get me through this and lead me, along with true friends, family and my church family. 

It's sad but true, death does bring out the worst in people. They become like vultures, seeing what they can get out of you, or from you. No sense of timing to let you grieve and evaluate what has happened. Paying the regular bills by myself are overwhelming as it is, not to mention the medical bills coming in, the funeral expenses. And so many rumors... And untrue stories... And of course those who are spreading them never come and ask me it they are true:

* I was told that Stevan was in a medical study, so all of his medical bills were paid for.... False on both accounts. He wasn't in a study and even if he was, he would still have had medical expenses.

* I was told that all of his funeral expenses were paid for by the American Cancer Society... false. It would be nice if they did, But they don't. Matter of fact, the only thing we ever got from them was a $50 gas card, twice, two different years, to help pay for traveling to OKC, while he was having radiation (that amount paid for one way trip to OKC). They also had paid for several hotel stays during those time of radiation treatment back in the summer of 2011 and Jan of 2013.

This weekend will be the beginning of this new chapter in my life. Stevan will have been gone two months yesterday and eight weeks on Monday. Each day gets better, but still I have tears that flow each day. My goal is to make sure he has a voice in the Myeloma world, and I ensure he is not forgotten by his kids, his friends, his family and his community. How I am to do that? Not sure, but I hope to find out how this weekend.

I will also be trying to back post some of his medical issues that occurred, that I could never get around to post so others can see the progression of his cancer. As one of my coworkers said, I am such a optimistic person, I denied seeing the signs and refused to hear the doctors tell us he was getting bad. It didn't hit me til he was gone.

I had instead put my trust in God and was letting him lead us and guide us through this journey. I will continue to have him lead me on the journey ahead of me. Thank you for the continued prayers for me and our family.

Raging Myeloma

This post has been a couple months in the planning. We are still here and kicking... just not as high.
In my last post we were elated to the fact that the essential oils we were using seemed to be working. Stevan's M-spike was non-existent. He felt good and was doing. However since then, there have been some major issues that have arisen.

Stevan had some problems with his collar bone at the end of Sept. He felt like maybe he had broke one when he was rolling a cedar log out of a bucket on a tractor. After several weeks, he finally went to a doctor and got an X-ray to show that it was broken... then he started complaining about his other collar bone. Back to the doctor. Yep it was broken too. The doctor suggested we get an appointment with Dr Selby, Oncologist, even though we had just had labs and X-rays done two months before that showed everything was great!

BAM! The M-spike was back to a 3.1 on Oct 16, when Stevan went to see Dr Selby. By this time Stevan was having some other serious symptoms, incontinence, pain wrapping around from his back to his groin area, and swelling in the groin area. Dr Selby immediately sent Stevan to be admitted to OU Medical Center for an full body X-ray and MRI of his spine to see what was going on, and later performed a CT scan. They found a mass pressing on his vertebra in his lower back pressing small bone shards into the spinal cord. They immediately began radiation, starting with the old block kind and then changed to a new kind of radiation that is pencil lead thin to only target the problem areas and protect the spinal cord. He spent two weeks in the hospital and then came home Oct 30th with the   understanding he would have an appt to follow up and continue radiation on his right hip in Paris, Tx, which the oncology team at OU was also concerned about. They were afraid it was going to break.

Stevan finally got into Paris Oncology and began radiation on his sternum Nov 10th. When he was at OU in Oct they told us there was a quarter size hole in his sternum but was now the size of a softball and was now causing a lot of pain and the doctor in Paris wanted Stevan to be more comfortable. Nov 17, the labs showed that his hemoglobin was at a 6.7 and he would be getting 3 units of blood the next day. On Nov 20th, his hemoglobin was up to 8.9, not good but better (the range should be 14-18). They also said that they would stay on top of it and watch it.

Stevan and I spent the week of Thanksgiving up in the hills hunting. The first of the week we had the kids. Wednesday, Stevan's sister Cherl and her other half, Will came up from Mississippi and stayed till Friday with us. Then one of our friends son, Kyle, came up on Friday and spent the night with us.
Overall, not productive in hunting but relaxing and enjoyed the time out side with God's creation.

After Kyle left on Saturday, we decided to load a few things up and take home that afternoon. We should have done this before Kyle left. Stevan asked me to load up one of the 4-wheelers on the small trailer. Long story short, I had problems loading it and it ended up flipping over on top of me, landing me in the ER that evening with a severely jammed left pinky and a broken right pinky. I'm thankful it was me and not Stevan that was on the 4-wheeler. I was able to get out of the way faster than he would have been able to. I was lucky that is all that happened.

Sunday, Stevan's brother, Bill came up and helped us load the rest of the camping stuff. What would have taken all day, only took about two hours with his help.

Thursday, Dec 4, we came to OKC for Stevan's follow up appointments with Dr Herman, Radiologist, and Dr Selby, Oncologist. When he arrived at Herman's office, the nurse noticed that Stevan had blood coming from a his nose. They called Selby's office and they ordered labs which they were able to determine his hemoglobin was at a 5.9, dangerously low. Selby's office ordered us to go to the ER at OU Medical and have them give him another blood transfusion. When we got to the ER, we got in the fastest we ever have, 3 minutes, we didn't even sit down. Within an hour, they had us a room upstairs.

They gave Stevan 4 units of plasma to help his blood to clot. They then began to give him 3 units of red blood over night. He was having sever pain in different areas of his body, so they began to try and see what was going on by scheduling MRIs for those areas. After him spending several days in OKC he was released with nothing really resolved.

The one thing that was discussed was the fact that radiation was not working. It was simply hitting a couple of spots at a time and managing pain. I spoke with one doctor that came to evaluate Stevan and she agreed that the radiation was not working, that his treatment had to be changed.

I will post more when we have more information...