Not So Happy 8th Anniversary

8 years ago today, a dream came true

Today would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. It seems like it should be more than that since I've known Stevan for more than 25 years. This week will be a tough one considering that not only do I have my first anniversary without him, but Sunday also marks the 6th month without him here with me. A week of reminders, memories and heartbreak.

I told myself that at the 6 months mark I would have my house put back together and organized, where I could actually feel comfortable having people over again, since I'm such a social person.  The couple of weeks after his death, my mother stayed with me a couple of times and helped me put all of Stevan's clothes that were in the dresser into his closet. We decided this would be a good place to keep them, kind of out of site, out of mind, until I have the courage to sort through them and decide what I'm going to do with them.

Honestly, I haven't begun to decluttering the house and sort through things until two weeks ago. I cleaned out my kitchen, the cabinets, the refrigerator, the counter. I went through all of the bills and papers that had been stacked up since before Thanksgiving. I threw out old food. Bagged up all of his medicines, and old over the counter meds that needed to be discarded. I took out all of the foods that he ate and I don't (sardine, viennes, pork and beans) and will gave them away.

Last week I began on the bathrooms. I totally cleaned the guest bathroom and bagged up a few things that the kids had left, so that I can take it to Stevan's mom for her to give them. Their mother does not let me see or talk to them, which is sad and heart breaking I know for me and for them. I was apart of their life for almost 10 years and to suddenly to have them ripped away.  It hurts my heart but I have to move on. I pray for them and their safety and that one day God will put them back into my life. Its hard to stop being a parent to children you love.

This week I will clean out my bedroom and organize my closet. I think I have clothes from 20 years ago still in my closet that I can't wear or won't wear, just taking up space. I know I have shoes that I haven't worn in the 8 years that Stevan and I were married. Moving from Dallas to the farm, I didn't have much use for pretty high heel shoes or smart little strappy heels. I resorted to boots, loafers, tennis shoes or rare occasion sandals and some platform heals that are easy to walk in. All others have to go!

Next week will be the Living room. I'm going to need lots of prayers there. This is where we spent most of our time in the last year. Stevan had quit eating at the table, because it was uncomfortable for his back. There is lots of my school stuff and just plain junk that I need to go through and either purge or put up somewhere, which means I need to go through and clean out drawers and cabinets so I will have a place to put things.

I know that I'm still going through the grieving process, but each day it hurts a little less. The episodes of uncontrolled crying from nothing comes further apart from the last time. I'm finding more joy in other things that I did not once know. I'm beginning to smile for no reason again. My close friends say that I don't look as stressed as I did six months ago. I know through Gods help, friends and family that continue to pray over me is what makes the world a bit more bearable now than it did.
God is still in control.... I'm just don't have my partner and best friend anymore with me on my journey.

Prayers For a Friend

Pattie and Pat Killingsworth

http://multiplemyelomablog.com/2015/07/did-all-of-this-really-happen-in-one-day.html

This is a link to a friend, Pat, who is also battling Multiple Myeloma. Stevan and I discovered his blog when Stevan was in the hospital being diagnosed. Pat was going through his first stem cell transplant. That was four years ago.

Over the years, I have been able to talk to pat via phone and email, to get suggestions on what to ask Stevan's doctors on how to proceed with his care. Pat has written four books on Myeloma, which I had purchased and loaned out to another friend, Barbara C., who we became acquainted with who lives in our home town who was diagnosed with Myeloma and was going to Stevan's doctor and underwent a stem cell transplant also. She ended up opting for a tandem transplant (a second one soon after the first) and developed an infection in her blood which ended her life.

When Stevan had his transplant, he had a pretty easy go of it. But he was young, relative healthy and other than developing an infection from his metal in his arm and having to take Vancomycin for several weeks. So these transplants are dangerous and can come with a cost.

I got to meet Pat and his wife Pattie, in March, face to face, at their Multiple Myeloma Beach Party. Pat had been a life line for me and Stevan, giving us so much information and blogging about his experiences and what he has learned over the years since he was diagnosed in 2007. I felt like I was long lost friends who finally got to meet them. It was the last night of the Party that Pat gave us the news that his doctors said that there wasn't much else to do for his Myeloma and that there was a chance that he might not be there next year for the third annual Beach Party. I felt like I had been punched....  It was like hearing I was loosing Stevan all over again.

Last week Pat underwent his second transplant and has not only developed one infection, but apparently several. He is a fighter. I ask that my prayer warrior pray for him and his wife as they go through this trial. He has given his life to help other Myeloma patients and caregiver understand this cancer and this community still needs him to continue his work.

Thank you

Emotional

This has been a very hard week for me. Its been an emotional roller coaster. Its like my mind knows next week is Stevan's and mine 8th wedding anniversary and then 6th month since he's been gone and I feel like everything is falling apart all over again.

Last week the air conditioner quit. Had the guy come out and cleaned the coils out for me... fixed. Ive been up since 3am because I woke up hot... yep it quit again and I can't get the fan to run. So I'll be making another call in about 4 hours to have him come back out.

Before that its been the lawnmower, that won't run, for either the belt won't stay on or something else doesn't work on it.

I hate this feeling of not only being alone but feeling useless. I hate this feeling that I'm drowning and I can't get out. I hate these feelings of feeling lost and helpless. I feel like I've been so strong for so long I'm about to break.

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On: Rascal Flatts

So Much to Say... but So Little Words.

It has been so long since I have blogged. And I should have been, but there wasnt much time. And when there was time, I spent it with Stevan and the kids.

After a long 3 1/2 year fight with Multiple Myeloma, Stevan lost the battle at OU Medical Center on Jan 26 at 4:35, when he drew his last breath.

I lost my high school sweetheart from 25 years ago, my best friend, my lover, my playmate, my hunting and fishing buddy, my companion, my smile, and the love of my life.

He went to heaven listening to Christian radio, peaceful slow breaths, until there was no more.his brother Bill, and I was in the room with him and held his hand as he took his last breath. His daughter, Brett came in; his mother, Shirley came in; his sister, Cherl; my mom and stepdad. It wasn't long before our pastor, Mike Mings and his wife Judy arrived. He was surrounded by all that loved him and he loved. His son, Dustin, had chosen not to stay at the hospital, saying it was too hard for him to watch his Dad be that way and he couldn't do anything to make him better.

I now begin a new chapter in my life. When Stevan married me he told me,"you are a strong independent woman. You don't need me, but you want me." He was right. After being married for 7 years, 6 months and 5 days... I now have to adjust my life. I have to learn to live by myself again. He spoiled me, I could depended upon him, now I have to depended oh my Heavenly Father to get me through this and lead me, along with true friends, family and my church family. 

It's sad but true, death does bring out the worst in people. They become like vultures, seeing what they can get out of you, or from you. No sense of timing to let you grieve and evaluate what has happened. Paying the regular bills by myself are overwhelming as it is, not to mention the medical bills coming in, the funeral expenses. And so many rumors... And untrue stories... And of course those who are spreading them never come and ask me it they are true:

* I was told that Stevan was in a medical study, so all of his medical bills were paid for.... False on both accounts. He wasn't in a study and even if he was, he would still have had medical expenses.

* I was told that all of his funeral expenses were paid for by the American Cancer Society... false. It would be nice if they did, But they don't. Matter of fact, the only thing we ever got from them was a $50 gas card, twice, two different years, to help pay for traveling to OKC, while he was having radiation (that amount paid for one way trip to OKC). They also had paid for several hotel stays during those time of radiation treatment back in the summer of 2011 and Jan of 2013.

This weekend will be the beginning of this new chapter in my life. Stevan will have been gone two months yesterday and eight weeks on Monday. Each day gets better, but still I have tears that flow each day. My goal is to make sure he has a voice in the Myeloma world, and I ensure he is not forgotten by his kids, his friends, his family and his community. How I am to do that? Not sure, but I hope to find out how this weekend.

I will also be trying to back post some of his medical issues that occurred, that I could never get around to post so others can see the progression of his cancer. As one of my coworkers said, I am such a optimistic person, I denied seeing the signs and refused to hear the doctors tell us he was getting bad. It didn't hit me til he was gone.

I had instead put my trust in God and was letting him lead us and guide us through this journey. I will continue to have him lead me on the journey ahead of me. Thank you for the continued prayers for me and our family.